The Joy of Texts

My younger brother and my middle sister  were able to retire well before their 65^th birthdays.  They retired with the naïve optimism that  they would finally  be able to  travel,   spend time with old friends and maybe fix that leaky gutter over the front door.

These lofty plans have not materialized, and with the exciting exception of the occasional “Law and Order” marathon they pretty much spend their day sending text messages to each other. For reasons unknown they include me in these text messages although I’ve begged them to stop since it is not unusual for one of their text conversations to start before breakfast and continue more or less unabated until bedtime.

I try to be good natured about this but I still work full-time, and I do a lot of my business on my smart phone, so  I am generally not able to turn my phone off during work hours. But my phone “dings” evetry time I get a new message and since I am never sure if the “ding”  is something  critical I have to stop what I’m doing and check the new text message.  This is a problem; yesterday for example I counted 159 new messages which means it’s pretty hard for me to get anything done.   Clearly, theirtext messaging is out of control.

Yesterday was a pretty typical Wednesday. At 6:12 AM my younger texted a picture of a bran muffin and a cup of coffee: “Breakfast of Champions,”  he texted to me, his wife, my  sister and her husband.

“Yum,”  texted my  sister who texted a picture of her breakfast: a bowl of dry Cheerios. “No milk for me,”  she texted mournfully,   “lactose intolerant.”  This was punctuated with a grimacing emoji. 

My brother texted a  sad face and after a suitable pause he started his daily weather report: “Rain today,”  he texted.

My middle sister responded instantly. “Yes,” she texted, adding a sad-faced emoji. My middle sister hates rain. 

This was followed by my brother sending a screen shot of the weather radar in his neighborhood and my sister sending a screen shot of the weather radar for HER neighborhood, even though the two neighborhoods are within walking distance of each other.  Then they both expressed surprise that it was raining in South Florida in August. My brother included a “surprised”  emoji and my sister sent six sad emojis in a row. This led to an extended text-storm about how rainy this summer is compared to last summer, the summer before and all the summers of our childhood.

The discussion of the weather morphed into an extended chat about the odds of a hurricane strike this year followed by a contentious chat about whether Hurricane Andrew was worse than Hurricane Katrina.   My sister said it was and my brother said it wasn’t and this continued, on and off, for the better part of two hours until my brother finally texted, with some urgency,   “BRB!  Bran muffin kicking in!” This was punctuated by an emoji gritting its teeth.

“Too much information!” texted my sister before adding, inexplicably, “Good for you!”  Then  she added a winking face.

After the briefest of pauses my sister texted a picture of her cat in the litter box. “Great minds thinking alike!”  she texted and my brother immediately sent a picture of his cat  in the litter box. “I will never have another long-haired cat,” he texted ominously. This is when his wife chimed in. “Well, just stop feeding her that cheap canned food!” she texted, with an angry face, and was not heard from again.

“What’s her problem?” texted my sister.

“Don’t go there,” texted my brother.

Just then my brother texted a picture of his two  big dogs sleeping on the sofa. “What a life!”  he texted.

This is when my sister’s husband suddenly materialized. “Dogs belong on the FLOOR, not the furniture,”  he texted, also  with an angry face.

“I thought you were at the gym,” my sister texted.

“I am,” said her husband. “But pets belong on the FLOOR!”

This compelled my brother to mention that the last time we had dinner at their  house their cat jumped on the dining room table.

‘UNTRUE!” thundered my brother-in-law.

My brother immediately texted a picture of my sister’s cat on her dining room table. “And it’s a long haired cat!”  said my brother. “Busted!”

Out of nowhere my sister-in-law materialized: “Eww,” she texted, with a surprised face., and was not heard from again.

“Gross,” agreed  my brother.

“You probably put the cat on the table,”  texted my brother-in-law accusingly.

“What’s his problem?” texted my brother.

“Don’t go there,” texted my sister.

Since both of my siblings have many pets the next several hours were spent texting dozens of cute pictures of assorted dogs and cats napping in picturesque locales: the front porch, the back porch, the bathtub. Each picture was punctuated with insightful  comments like, “Cute!”  “Really cute!” and “Isn’t that cute?” and enough smiley faces to populate an arena.

The text messages continued unabated until lunchtime; at that point, I had had  enough. “ PLEASE,” I texted. “No  more texts.  I’m WORKING!”

“What’s your problem?” texted my brother.

“Well, la-di-da,” texted my middle sister.

This was followed by a lengthy pause of almost 10 minutes.  Then my sister texted a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich. “Lunch!”  she texted.

“Yum!”  texted my brother, with a picture of his lunch: a bowl of tomato soup.

“Delish!”  texted my sister.

Lunchtime continued on for dozens of texts and as I was trying to work, my phone was dinging non-stop, indicating more new messages coming through.  I was going insane.

“Please,”  I texted plaintively.  “I don’t have time for this. Some of us have to work.”

“Just retire,” suggested my brother.

“For real!” texted my sister.  “Retiring was the best thing I ever did. Work is boring!”