We are in the process of moving our office to a new location barely one mile away and we must transfer our two phone lines from the old office to the new one. I am not usually accused of being optimistic, or naïve, but when I called the phone company I thought this would be a simple process: but I was wrong, and I have learned, again, that when dealing with Corporate America nothing is easy.
First a recorded voice demanded that I verify that I was authorized to transfer the service. This was an extensive process that involved using the touchpad on my phone to enter my phone number, my account number and my PIN number. Then the recorded voice asked me to enter an alternate number “in case you get disconnected” which I assumed was an inevitability.
I used the touch pad to enter my alternate phone number and a really snotty recorded voice told me, ”I understand complete sentences. Please TELL me your phone number.” I did and the recorded voice said, “I’m sorry, I did not understand you. Please tell me your phone number again.” I complied and the voice told me, “Please use the touchpad to enter your alternate phone number,” and when I did I was told, “”I understand complete sentences. Please TELL me your phone number.”
It was at this point that I decided to write a nasty letter to the CEO but I thought better of it because I was sure he’d disconnect my phone service out of spite so, inspired, I pressed “1 for Spanish” and gave my phone number in Spanish.
“Gracias,” said the recorded voice, but I was secretly annoyed because while I am a native speaker of English my spoken Spanish is incomprehensible.
My “Gracias” was followed by a long series of taps which was supposed to make me think that the recorded vice was typing. Then I heard, in Spanish, “I will transfer you to an agent,” followed by about a million more taps.
The Agent was clearly not having a good day, because in a surly tone he said, “My goal is to give you excellent customer service,” which I already knew was not remotely a possibility.
“I need to get your personal information,” he told me after I told him why I was calling.
“I already provided all that,” I pointed out.
“We don’t have access to that information,” he told me.
“Then why did I have to enter it?” I asked.
The Agent was clearly in no mood for me. “Do you want your service transferred or not?” he said, and I let it drop, because I knew I was a heartbeat from an “accidental” disconnection.
Things went swimmingly as I provided him with my personal information, but then we had a problem.
“Zip code at the new location?” he asked.
“33305,” I said.
“I’m sorry,” said the Agent. “You can’t have three consecutive identical numbers in a zip code. Try again.”
I kept my voice calm. “The zip code really is 33305,” I said again.
“My system is rejecting that,” he said. “You’re not allowed to have three consecutive identical numbers in a zip code,” he said as though speaking to a not especially bright child.
“Well tell that to everyone who lives in Northeast Fort Lauderdale,” I said testily.
The Agent did not take the bait. “You need to choose a new zip code,” he said, which sent me into orbit.
“How exactly do I do that?” I asked, and right then I was accidentally disconnected.
I am still waiting for the callback.