I’m not an angry guy but I spent a recent morning ranting and raving after I called my cable company to report that I had no internet service and I got a recording instructing me to go onto the Internet to report that I had no Internet service. “If I could report that I had no service on the Internet,” I fumed, “it would mean that I had Internet service, so I would have nothing to report.”
After a while I lost steam so, sighing, I called back and this time was instructed to “listen carefully because our menu has changed.”
This set me off again. Does the cable company employ an entire team of people who change the menu on a daily basis? For example, last time I called, it was “Press 1 for Spanish” and this time it was “Press 2 for Spanish.” Not that it matters because no matter what I push the person I get does not remotely speak what I consider to be “English.”
After almost 20 minutes of pushing buttons I was eventually informed that my call was going to be recorded for “quality control and training purposes;” I knew this was a lie because if the cable company cared about quality control they would eliminate the menus and have a real English-speaking person answer the phone, but in spite of this I was feeling optimistic until a chipper, un-accented, recorded Voice said, “Thank you for your call,” and disconnected me.
I took a deep breath and poured myself a Diet Coke. If I had been wearing a long sleeve shirt I would have rolled up my sleeves but since I wasn’t, I set my jaw resolutely and called back. This time my ruse was to keep pressing “0” until I got a real person.
“I’m sorry,” said the Voice. “That is not a valid extension number. Please try again.”
I kept trying until the Voice returned, and told me, “Just tell me the nature of your request. For example, you can say ‘Repairs’ or ‘Agent.’ ”
Feeling hopeful I said “Agent” and the Voice said, “I’m sorry, I don’t understand. What is the nature of your request?”
I repeated myself several times but the Voice still did not understand so I finally said “AGENT!” There was a shocked silence, and although I sincerely doubt that I am the first person who has ever yelled at the recording the Voice said in a hurt tone: “Thank you for your call,” and I was disconnected again.
I took a deep breath and called back. This time I played by the rules; I listened to all the messages and pressed the right keys until 15 minutes later I got connected to “Skipper” who spoke what he thought was English.
“How may I please to help you this minute?” said Skipper.
“Is your name really Skipper?” I asked.
“It must be believed,” said Skipper, and now I knew he was lying, so I said, “I want you to know that I’m recording this call for quality control and training purposes.” This was a lie but I was feeling malicious.
There was a shocked silence. “What?” said Skipper.
I repeated myself and Skipper gulped. “You cannot to do that,” he finally said.
“I sure can,” I said. “If you can record me I can record you.”
Another pause. “Please to wait,” said Skipper. “I will retrieve my Supervisor.”
It took a while but eventually a Supervisor came on the line; clearly she had been briefed and clearly she was in no mood to negotiate. “This call cannot be allowed to have been recorded,” she said firmly. “It will not have been permitted.”
“I’d watch your tone,” I said sharply. “This is being recorded for training purposes.” I was all set to say more but she hung up on me.
Feeling oddly content I counted to 100 before calling back. It took me almost 45 minutes but I eventually got a woman named Sueshah who scheduled a repairman to come out that afternoon.
“Thank you,” I said, but then, because I was still annoyed at the colossal waste of time, I said, “By the way, this entire conversation was recorded for quality control and training purposes.”
“You cannot to do that,” said Sueshah.
“I just did,” I said and hung up before she could protest, pleased that I had had the last word but that a repairman would still be sent out between 2 and 4 pm.
It’s now 7:15 — I’m still waiting.