If I were to tell you I hate my bank I would be understating my feelings for this monolithic organization that is devoted to slashing customer service while increasing service charges.
It was not always like this. I still remember the spring day in eighth grade when my dad took me to his tiny, local bank to open my first savings account. The bank president greeted Dad by name and after I signed the signature cards a very nice lady gave Dad a toaster.
Over the years that local bank morphed into the arrogant national organization that it is today. This is the bank that took federal bailout money and showed its gratitude by cutting my small business’s credit lines to the bone. This is the bank that only has only one teller on duty in the drive-thru at lunch and then, after an interminable wait, charges a fee because I used a teller, and not the ATM. This is the bank that charges extra because I like our monthly statement mailed to us, or because we deposited too many checks last month.
I know I should change banks, but the hassle-factor is just too exhausting to contemplate, so I despise them silently while they treat me with utter indifference. That’s why I was so surprised last week to get an email from my “Personal Banker” who told me what a valued client I was. “It was a pleasure speaking with you,” said the email. “How can I help your business succeed?”
I knew I had never spoken to this guy, and I was annoyed enough to email him and tell him so. I got a quick, friendly response. “Sorry, I was too busy to call,” he wrote, showing his dedication to personalized service. He also sent me his direct phone number which had a Detroit area code. “Just what I need,” I thought, “a Personal Banker in Michigan.”
He attached a list of 7 people, all based in Detroit, who comprised a “dedicated team of financial specialists to create new opportunities.” While I had no idea what that meant, it was an impressive roster. In addition to my Personal Banker, I also had a “Sales Support Officer” who would help me with “service escalations,” and a “Treasury Solutions Officer” who would “maximize information flow.” I did not know what that meant either, but apparently she was so vital that she had an assistant: the “Back-up Treasury Solutions Officer.”
There was also a Merchant Services Officer but I could see a turf war coming with the Client Services Advisor who was going to service “all my accounts.” I wondered if she realized that my business has just one checking account but I didn’t want to wreck her day by telling her.
By far my favorite member of the team was the Finance Specialist who would help me replace “worn assets.” I laughed out loud at this and showed the letter to our Operations Director. She looked at me over the top of her glasses. “Should I be worried?” she asked.
Annoyed, I decided I to Escalate my Service so I emailed my Sales Support Officer. “ I do not need a team of seven Specialists and Advisors,” I emailed. “I need more tellers on duty and fewer service charges. I need out-of-state deposits to post quickly.” I told him my goals were to save time and money and then I pressed “send.”
I immediately got a notification saying that my email was undeliverable: the email address I had been given for my Sales Support Officer was not in service.