“You got a call from the bank,” said Rosa, our Office Manager, when I came back from lunch. “It’s from Amber, your new “Client Services Relationship Coordinator.” She sighed and rolled her eyes. We get a new Client Services Relationship Coordinator about once a month; I’ve never yet met one of these paragons of customer service and hope I never will.
“She says she needs to talk to you about enhancing your banking experience.” Now I rolled my eyes, but Rosa was not done. “Amber says her goal is to provide you with excellent customer service.”
“At our bank?” I said, amazed. The idea that someone from our bank would use a term like “excellent customer service” is disconcerting, kind of like hearing the pilot say the plane crashes aren’t as bad as most people think.
“Amber can call me back,” I said, and went back to my office.
Amber called back a couple of hours later. First she told me her name and that she was calling from the Seattle Customer-Care Unit. Then she wanted to confirm that I was really me by verifying the last four numbers of my social security number, which I refused to do. “You called me,” I pointed out and there was a long silence; I imagined her twirling her hair around her finger and biting her lip.
“OK,” she said; she had a really annoying East Texas accent. “This call is being recorded for quality control purposes,” she said. “Is that ok?”
“Knock yourself out,” I said.
She was calling about our credit card processing account. “Things are changing for the better!” she said brightly, which I seriously doubted; I’m at the age where I truly believe that every change is for the worse — but I was silent.
The gist of her phone call was that every MasterCard number in the whole world was changing. “All MasterCard numbers begin with ‘5’,” said Amber, which of course I knew. “But now every MasterCard will begin with ‘2’ instead.”
“Why?” I asked blankly.
“Because we are running out of numbers,” said Amber firmly.
I was confused. “You are running out of card numbers that begin with ‘5’ so you’re going to convert all of them to card numbers that start with ‘2’?”
“You got it!” said Amber. “Any questions?”
“But this makes no sense,” I said. “If MasterCard runs out of numbers beginning with ‘5’ , and they change all cards to begin with ‘2’ then they will also run out of numbers beginning with ‘2’. “
There was a long, long silence. “I’m sorry you’re taking this attitude,” said Amber. “You know you’re being recorded?”
“Good,” I said. “I hope you play this conversation to someone who knows what you’re talking about, because I surely don’t.”
Amber decided to play hard ball. “If you don’t comply you can be fined $10,000 per occurrence,” she said coldly.
“If I don’t comply with what?” I asked. “Occurrence of what?” Then I decided I had enough. “Let me talk to your supervisor,” I said.
“I don’t have a supervisor,” said Amber .
“Of course you do,” I said.
“There’s no supervisor on duty,” said Amber.
“Of course there is,” I said and Amber folded. “Well, if you don’t mind waiting I’ll go get her,” she said, dejected.
I waited a long time but eventually Amber’s supervisor picked up. Perhaps it was a coincidence but she had the exact same East Texas twang as Amber; odd since the call center was in Seattle.
“My name is Chelsey-with-a-‘y’,” said Chelsey. “I’m here to enhance your banking experience.”