Our houseguests were standing, mesmerized at the edge of the screened porch. Clint and Jodie are college friends of Ryan’s; I like them very much and we had just had a nice lunch; but now they were open-mouthed and amazed staring at the two huge iguanas that were basking on the sunny patio.
“They’re gorgeous,” said Jodie and Ryan and I looked at each other silently. Of all the adjectives we use to describe these foul, filthy pests “gorgeous” is not one.
Clint agreed. “We don’t have anything like this in Cleveland,” he said.
“Feel free to take them home with you,” I said shortly, then I called Ali. “Let’s go girl,” I said, opening the screen door. “Iguana!”
Ali hates iguanas and although she has never caught one it does not stop her from trying. Now she charged, barking, into the back yard and the iguanas, with impressive speed, darted under the fence and into our neighbors’ yard. Sniffing the air, Ali lifted her head and made a beeline for the other side of the yard, flushing out three smaller iguanas that she chased into the other neighbor’s yard. She came back, clearly pleased with herself, wagging her tail happily.
While I gave Ali a treat Ryan explained to our guests what pests these horrid lizards are, how they eat our hibiscus bushes and swim in our pool and mess all over the patio and driveway. He mentioned that a neighbor’s elderly mother recently slipped on iguana dung in the driveway, fell and broke her hip.
Clint and Jodie listened somberly as Ryan spoke. “But they sure are cute,” said Jodie. “Can I feed them?” and Ali and Ryan and I stared at her, open-mouthed.
Several days later I was complaining about the iguanas to Raul, our exterminator. “You know we have a humane iguana repellant system,” he said. “We install stakes all around your yard and it smells so bad the iguanas leave.”
“Where do they go?” I asked. “How bad is the smell?
“Probably to your neighbors’ yards,” said Raul, “and not bad. Only iguanas can smell this stuff.”
I hesitated. “It’s more humane than trapping, shooting or freezing them,” he said. “Only $19.95 a month,” he added, “guaranteed.” And I agreed.
Raul came back the next day and installed 8 stakes around the yard. “Are you sure this is going to work?” I asked doubtfully. The “stakes” looked like popsicle sticks with gauze bandages wrapped around the top. He sprayed the bandages with a commercial iguana repellant.
“Guaranteed,” said Raul.
I was looking at the spray bottle. “I bought this stuff at Home Depot,” I said. “It didn’t work.”
“We’ve modified it,” he said and sprayed some more on the bandages.
“That’s nasty,” I said, backing away. It smelled like a combination of garlic and cinnamon with something else added to it. I subsequently discovered it was coyote urine.
“It will keep the iguanas away,” said Raul complacently.
“It will keep me away,” I said, backing up.
“Call me if you have any problems,” said Raul after I wrote him a check for the first six months of service, and then he was gone.
Later that afternoon I noticed that the two large iguanas were basking mere inches from an iguana stake. I sighed and called Ali who charged into the back yard, sniffed the air and ran right back into the house. I swear the iguanas high-fived each other but perhaps I imagined it.
I dug my phone out of my pocket and called Raul right then. I’m still waiting for the call back.