I recently attended a “management skills summit.” This is the kind of seminar where you spend several hundred dollars to learn what a crappy manager you are and then spend several thousand dollars on a series of self-help DVDs and webinars to improve your management skills. This proves that you’re a crappy manager who can’t manage money.
Although I am not generally seduced by this type of training, this one offered a “management skills assessment” plus an “individual consultation with a management expert.” I never hesitated: Give me an assessment where the complexities of human behavior are reduced to a multiple choice quiz and I am sold. Plus, I had a coupon.
I showed up at the seminar, took the assessment test and then waited for my individual consultation. The Management Expert was about 14 years old with perfect hair and shiny teeth; he smiled way too much. I hated him immediately. He looked at my assessment test and looked at me speculatively. “Is your management approach collaborative or cooperative?” he finally asked.
“I don’t know what that means,” I said. The Expert seemed taken aback. “I mean, what is your Management Style?”
I thought this was a foolish question. “I tell people what to do and they do it,” I said. The Expert nodded and, upside down, I saw him write “Old school” on my assessment.
“What do you do when your expectations are not met?” he asked next. This was an easy one since my expectations are never met. “Generally,” I said, “I finish the job myself while making snide remarks.” The Expert smiled a bit less. “Hierarchical” I saw him write, then he thought for a minute. “Do you value objective input from your subordinates?” he asked.
This was obviously a trick question. “Of course,” I answered; I mentioned that just recently a subordinate offered me a candid critique of my 2012 marketing strategy and I thanked her sincerely. “But how did that make you feel?” he insisted and, in spite of myself, I mentioned that I pouted for three days and used that time to write her annual performance review. This so appalled the Expert that he put his pen down.
He looked at me quizzically. “If someone is performing poorly, how do you counsel them?” he asked.
I took the bait. “E-mail,” I said, “sometimes ‘Post-It’ notes.” The Expert actually winced. “Voice mail works well too,” I added reflectively, “but it’s a little too personal for my taste.”
The Expert’s smile was a shadow of what it once was for his last question. “How do you motivate your subordinates?” he asked, but now I knew how this game was played. “I praise them lavishly,” I said. “I give bonuses for showing up. I serve martinis in the break room. I dot my I’s with smiley faces.”
The Expert nodded. “Now those are good ideas,” he said. “It makes you seem almost human.” And then he fled.
The results of my management assessment were emailed to me later that week. “Your management style,” I read, “is passive aggressive with bipolar tendencies. You are unable to delegate and value ‘yes-men.’ You are a micromanager with the motivational skills of Caligula.” The assessment ended with the suggestion that I take an on-line course in “Remedial Management” for $2500.00.
Incensed I took the letter into the Operation Manager’s office and threw it on her desk. “Can you believe this?” I said. She read the letter and shook her head gravely. “I can’t believe you spent money on this,” she said. “I could have told you this for free.”