Just once I wish I could come back from vacation and not feel, within 10 minutes of walking into the house, like I need a vacation. On the taxi ride home from the airport I had gotten an urgent text message from the office telling me to check my e-mail right away, so when I got home I put my luggage down and tried to go on line. And tried again. We had no Internet service.
I sighed; ever since we had consolidated our phone, internet and TV service with one cable provider, every time one service went down, which was basically every time the wind blew or a bird landed on the phone line, our entire system went down.
It was getting late and I was tired so, frustrated already, I searched through a myriad of instructional manuals and, thanking God for my reliable cell phone, I called the cable provider’s 24-hour customer service line. I was instantly annoyed because I had to push “1” for English. I truly have no problem with this service being provided in different languages, but can’t they at least make English the default language?
After I pushed “1” to indicate that I speak English, a pleasant recorded voice told me to go on-line to report my problem. Then I was disconnected.
As I was figuring how to go on line to report that I could not get on line, I called back, but forgot to press “1” so I got what sounded like an urgent message in Spanish, recorded by an excitable man who apparently had his hand stuck in a garbage disposal. The message sounded important, so I called back, remembered to press “1” and got an urgent message telling me, in English, that the Hallmark channel was now part of basic cable. “Well, hallelujah,” I thought bleakly. Then I was disconnected.
Taking a deep breath, I called again, remembered to press 1 for English and 3 for customer service and, miracle of miracles, got through to the 24-hour help line. I got a recording telling me that my call would be recorded for quality assurance. Then another recording told me I had been selected t participate in a customer service survey. Then I got a recording telling me the 24- hour help line closed at 7 PM. Then I was disconnected.
I counted to 100 and poured myself a glass of wine. I called back, somehow got into what they called a diagnostic menu and after pressing 1 for yes and 2 for no for a very, very long time got to another recorded message that promised to send a tech out the next day to fix the problem. Then I was told to wait for confirmation of the appointment. After seven minutes of hearing a message every 1o seconds assuring me that my business was important and thanking me for my patience, my blood pressure was through the roof and I would likely have had a stroke but I was disconnected first.
Vowing to rip out my cable line and buy a pair of rabbit ears, I called the 24-hour customer service line one more time and eventually ended up talking to a very nice man in Mumbai with the unlikely name of Skipper. I told him my story of woe; “Please to wait one quick minute,” he said andthen he had me reboot the system: 30 seconds later my problem was fixed. “Next time, please to go on line to correct this,” he said pleasantly, so I mentioned I could not go on-line because my Internet connection was down. “That’s is very frustrating so for you,” he said, “but I’ll tell you a simple way for to correct it next time.” I was waiting with bated breath but all I heard was silence. My cell phone battery had died.