All my nieces and nephews, and my younger brother, have migrated from Fort Lauderdale to the wilds of Ocala, FL, lured by cheap housing, plentiful parking and readily available ammunition.
When my older brother decided to go to Ocala for a weekend to visit his daughter, he asked if I would take care of his two cats and I said “Sure.” He said he would text me instructions.
When my older sister heard this, she decided to drive up with him to see her son. She asked if I would take care of her 2 cats and dog. Since she and my older brother both live close by, this was not a big deal so I said “Sure” and she said she’d text me instructions.
My middle sister figured if they were going to Ocala she’d go too, and try to convince my younger brother to leave his current wife. She asked if I’d take care of her two cats and dog, and of course I had to say “Sure.” She said she’d text me instructions.
When I got home, my head spinning, my partner told me he was going to see his mother in New Jersey for the weekend. It went without saying that I would have to take care of our three cats and the dog while he was away.
Logistically, the idea of caring for nine cats and three dogs for a weekend was daunting, and that was before the text messages started arriving. Apparently the days of cats eating cat food and dogs eating dog food are over, because these animals had dietary requirements that would confuse a dietitian. And I am no dietitian.
My older brother told me to feed the old cat the chicken mix in the laundry room and the young cat the salmon mix in the bathroom. He told me to stay while they ate to make sure they did not eat each other’s food or they would get diarrhea.
My middle sister advised me to feed the cats the tuna mix in the bedroom with the door closed so the dog would not eat it and get the runs. She told me she bought salmon cat food but not to use it because it made the cats vomit.
My older sister said to make sure the fat cat got the diet cat food and the kitten got the kitten mix. She told me if the cats ate the wrong food one would vomit and the other would get diarrhea. She told me that if the dog ate cat food she would vomit AND get diarrhea.
My partner advised me to use the salmon mix for the indoor cats and the tuna for the outside cat. Because all our cats are old we have to restrict portion sizes or they vomit. I was supposed to divide each can in half and give the outside cat 3/5 of his half and the inside cats ¾s of the their half, divided into 2 equal halves.
By Sunday I was defeated. In the first place, I inadvertently erased all my text messages. In the second, I have to admit that the differences between canned salmon, tuna and chicken cat food were not obvious to me, and I did not remember who should eat what. In my distress I told myself “It doesn’t matter” and let them eat what they wanted to. This was a serious error.
Sunday afternoon, as my siblings were driving home I sent them a group text message: “Hurry home. Pets ate whatever they wanted. Most have the runs. All are vomiting. Have a nice trip!”