I went for the mail and sighed when I saw a small, square envelope with a stork in the lower left corner. I assumed it was a birth announcement from one of my nieces or nephews – they’re breeding like rabbits — but I was surprised to see it was an invitation to my youngest niece’s baby shower.
I guess I’m terribly old school but in my day baby showers were the exclusive domain of the mothers, sisters and girl friends of the mother-to-be. My younger brother got his invite the next day. “WTF?” he texted me. “Did you get an invite to a BABY SHOWER?” We decided to text my older brother, the grandfather-to-be. His reply was stoic: “Get with the times,” he texted, “baby showers are now for men too.”
I had cynically decided this was just a ploy to get more gifts and that I was not going until I got an urgent text from my younger brother. “I’m driving down from OCALA for this,” he wrote. “You’re GOING. We will drink heavily,” he concluded.
I was glum. My niece and her husband are wonderful kids but they are so serious and so earnest they get on my nerves considerably. My nephew-in-law is the kind of guy who says things like “We’re pregnant,” and had terrible morning sickness during the first trimester. I had last seen him several months ago at a wedding, right after he and my niece learned that they were having a girl. “Congratulations!” I told him and he burst into tears. “I’m sorry,” he said, “I’m all hormonal right now.”
At the shower my brother and I said hello to my niece and looked for the bar. My nephew-in-law was appalled, ”There’s no alcohol in the house,” he said. “We’re pregnant!” There was also no soda or coffee, but my nephew-in-law offered us some herbal tea. “It’s very soothing,” he said.
Stunned we went into the living room where the other dispirited menfolk were sipping herbal tea around the big screen TV. My partner brightened up when he saw it was the Dolphins game and happily settled in to watch. A moment later, there was a cheer after the Dolphins scored, but my nephew-in-law was right there. “Indoor voices, please,” he admonished, “the baby is sleeping!” Since the baby in question had not yet been born we were mightily confused. “Besides,” continued my nephew-in-law, “it might upset the new mother.”
As a group, we all looked at my niece who, it must be said, had been happily eating throughout her pregnancy, and had gained almost 80 pounds. She was currently eating an ice cream sundae the size of my face, and she turned and waved merrily at us. We looked back at my nephew-in-law. “Excuse me,” he said, “I’ll be right back. I have to pee every hour,” he explained.
When he left I was reminded of the feeling of freedom I had in grade school when Sister Claude would leave the classroom. My younger brother must have felt it too. “Beer?” he said to me. “Martini,” I answered. “Scotch,” said my older brother, “I know a dive bar nearby.” And we were off.
Male bonding is a wonderful thing. When we returned an hour later my niece was opening presents and eating cheesecake. My nephew-in-law, lips pursed in disapproval, looked briefly at us and looked away. “It’s going to be a long 18 years,” said my older brother. “That poor baby is going to be in therapy forever,” said my younger brother. Inspired, I had an idea: “Let’s light a cigar and see what happens.”