As a very frequent flyer, I am not alone in my concern over the attempted airplane bombing on Christmas. If the reports in the media are to be believed, there were many red flags that went unnoticed and the would-be bomber did everything except wear a T-shirt that said “I have a bomb in my underwear.” These red flags were all ignored by the people who are supposed to watch for that kind of stuff.
I’m certainly not the only one to think that the system does not work, and that the professionals in charge need to be shaken up. Luckily, I have suggestions. I am actually kind of hoping I can become some kind of anti-terror Czar. My credentials? A fondness for vodka and an inflated sense of my own importance. That should do it.
The first thing to do is to call those young guys who started Google and put them in charge of all airport security. I suspect that if they were given 45 minutes and a couple of first class round-trip tickets they could write a program that, based on a thumbprint, could instantly pull up birth and identity records, religious and political affiliations, credit history and SAT scores. The system could also be expanded to use that thumbprint to buy drinks in flight, eliminating the need to hunt for exact change.
The next thing to do is to get rid of flight attendants and put Catholic nuns in charge of in-flight security… preferably angry, post-menopausal nuns. Anyone who ever went to Catholic grade school will attest that nothing is more terrifying than a middle-aged nun who is determined to keep order at any cost. These nuns would wear the traditional black wimple and veil to maximize the intimidation factor, including a huge, wooden rosary around their waist. These rosaries would be used to beat terrorists senseless and, in a pinch, could be used as a lasso or as wrist restraints. It worked in grade school.
If these nuns are like the nuns I had in school they would never sleep, never sit, and use the eyes they have in the back of their head to be constantly on the lookout for miscreants. On long or overnight flights those nuns would not spend their time gossiping in the galley; they would be on marching up and down the aisle looking for contraband and doing random lavatory checks.
Finally, once Google is in charge of airport security and nuns are in charge of in-flight security we need to train the passengers on how to help. Given that the last several in-flight incidents were thwarted by vigilant passengers, let’s prep the passengers on anti-terrorism procedures. Think of it: before a plane ever takes off we are instructed what to do if we land in the water or have an emergency decompression. Statistically, the risk of possible terrorist activity is probably as high as a ditching at sea, so let’s teach the passengers what to do.
My vote would be to ask all the old folks on those flights from Ft Lauderdale to JFK to keep their canes at hand. No terrorist would stand a chance against a group of angry old women brandishing their canes like bludgeons. Throw in two or three nuns armed with rulers and rosaries and they could subdue any aspiring terrorist.
I am sure that if we combine the power of Google, the anger of old women and the righteousness of nuns the skies will be a whole lot friendlier than they are now. Besides, it’s not as if anyone in power has any better ideas.