Even sane people go slightly berserk when confronted with anything that is “free.” Normally restrained people who would never dream of asking for a second helping at a private dinner party will unabashedly go back for fourths at an all-you-can eat buffet. And let’s discuss what happens when people come face to face with the ultimate freebie: the open bar.
The concept of the open bar looks good on paper, but in reality it is horrible. It is clearly coded into our DNA that when free alcohol is offered we must consume it until we pass out. I remember an office Christmas party where our Human Resource Director, an evangelical Christian who lived in a state of rigid sobriety, did Jello shooters until she passed out in a pool of her own vomit. I have seen careers ruined and marriages destroyed as the direct result of the elimination of any inhibitions or self-control that were the direct result of functions that had open bars. Yet the concept is alive and well at many American weddings.
I saw this first hand a couple of weeks ago at the wedding of my college friends Sarah and Tucker. They are both in their late 50’s and it was the second wedding for each. Ironically, their respective spouses had each died in 2009 after long illnesses; they had both enjoyed good, long marriages, and were devoted to their spouses. College friends, they reconnected last year, fell in love and decided to get married. Their wedding was a small affair: 50 close friends and family members who were invited to a brief church service followed by a nice dinner at an oceanfront restaurant. With an open bar.
Things got off on the wrong foot because the ceremony ended early and the restaurant was running late, so there was a lag of over an hour after we got to the restaurant before we could go into the dining room. Tucker, the gracious host, announced that the bar was open, at his expense, while we waited. The guests cheered.
Dinner was over around 7 and by the time the wedding cake was cut many of the guests had been swilling alcohol for almost three hours and as we waited for dessert a seriously inebriated woman stood up to toast the happy couple. I thought she said her name was “Wretched” –(it was actually “Gretchen” but “Wretched” was a better fit — and she was the sister of Tucker’s first wife. She offered a long, rambling reminiscence of the romance of Tucker and her sister and as the guests began to shift awkwardly in their seats she decided to describe her sister’s death bed scene in excruciating detail. She did not get far before she began to sob uncontrollably. This is one of Tucker’s daughters physically dragged Wretched from the room. “Mazel Tov!” said Wretched as she was pulled away.
A long, uncomfortable silence followed; that’s when Johnny stood up, swaying, to make a toast of his own. I was immediately wary. I have disliked Johnny for over 30 years: he’s from Staten Island, he has a big mouth and no head for alcohol. Any two of those three qualities make can make a guy kind of charming; all three simply make him unbearable.
Johnny was the best friend of Sarah’s late husband, and as he began to speak I noticed that Sarah and Tucker looked at each other with real concern.
“Here’s to Sarah and Tucker,” Johnny began, “and let’s remember Sarah’s first husband, Lou, the finest man I ever knew.” Sarah’s lips were curled in a hard, brittle smile and Tucker clearly was at a loss as to what he should do. The crowd began to murmur uneasily.
“Any woman would be lucky to have Lou,” continued Johnny. “My wife Loretta dated Lou before we met. She always said he was a tough act to follow.” Johnny glanced briefly at Tucker, who looked like he wanted to flee; Sarah was ashen, whether from embarrassment of fear I had no idea. Johnny chugged his drink and motioned for another.
“Lou and I shared everything,” Johnny continued, “in fact I dated Sarah before Lou did.” He chuckled, perhaps in reminiscence and I remembered that in college Johnny had dated half the women currently in the room, a fact that I’m sure most of them had not shared with their current husbands. The atmosphere in the room was suddenly electric and Sarah looked like she was about to start shrieking.
“Tucker,” said Johnny drunkenly, “let me tell you a thing or two about Sarah. Did you know…”
Johnny’s soliloquy was abruptly ended by Loretta who stood up and physically pushed her husband back down. “Did you know we all wish you years of happiness and joy?” she said smoothly. She motioned to a waiter.
“Coffee, please?” she asked.