I go to the gym regularly and when I do get there, I want to work out as quickly and efficiently as possible. Unfortunately, I keep running into well-meaning friends and acquaintances who want to chat. I’ve tried polite and I’ve tried firm; I’ve even tried rude but try as I might, I can’t shut these people up so I can get back to my workout.
I needed help so I consulted a pro. I decided to talk to Paulina, a personal trainer in my gym. Paulina, who is from Germany, bullies her terrified clients into shape; she is about seven feet tall and very strong. She resembles a very blonde, very buff Rottweiler. I was sure that no one interrupted Paulina while she was exercising so I was certain she could give me some good advice.
The only trouble with having a conversation with Paulina is that I can’t understand her: Not only does she have a very strong German accent but she has a lisp. (Have you ever heard a German with a lisp? It’s tragic.) I told her my story of woe.
Paulina felt I was too friendly. “Do not smile,” she said. Apparently, Paulina has a designated “Stay Away” face that she wears when exercising. “Like so,” she said and she squinted her eyes, flared her nostrils and showed me her teeth. I gave an involuntary gasp and stepped backwards.
“You see?” she said. “It is better, so. Now you show me,” she ordered.
Obediently, I duplicated her “stay away” face. She looked at me for a long minute and then sighed. “You look like you ate the bad sauerbraten,” she finally said. “We need a Plan B.”
Plan B involved wearing intimidating attire. She suggested a black tee shirt and black gym shorts with a baseball hat and sunglasses. “If you do not make the eye contact, you can not make the conversation,” she assured me. As a final touch, she added an I-pod. “If you cannot hear them say ‘Hello,’” she explained, “you cannot answer them.”
This did not work. Over and over again I would feel a tap on my shoulder or a tug on my I-pod headphone, and that was enough to start an extended conversation. My gym time was still suffering.
Paulina was bewildered. “These tricks always work for me,” she muttered. “No one bothers me when I work out.” I was going to mention that no one bothers her because everyone is afraid of her, but I kept that to myself while she thought. “Do you bathe?” she finally asked.
“Frequently,” I said, aghast that she even asked.. She shook her head, “No more,” she said. “The body odor will keep people away.” She added helpfully, “Eat the garlic; bad breath also works.”
I was about to retreat but then Paulina said, “Of course, you could always do what I do, “ and I leaned forward with interest. “Join another gym,” she said simply, “ a place where no one knows you. “
Several days later I was running on the treadmill at my new gym, when I felt a tap on my shoulder. “How much longer will you be?” asked an anxious looking fat man. “That’s my favorite treadmill.”
There were at least a dozen empty treadmills available at that time of day, and I pointed this out to him but he told me he liked mine the best. Unthinkingly, I squinted my eyes and bared my teeth, just like Paulina taught me, and the fat man fled. Perhaps Paulina knows what she is talking about after all.