The lines through security were longer than usual. Even the “frequent traveler” lane was backed up. As an experienced traveler, it takes a lot to rattle me, but this morning I woke up with a cold and I was running VERY late, and so I was flustered.
There were only two screening lanes open and the crowd was made up almost entirely of old people in wheelchairs, young couples with many children and fat people who have never used any mode of transportation more advanced than a Greyhound bus.
The TSA agents were getting frustrated because this crowd could not grasp difficult concepts like “take off your shoes.” The women all wore huge, metallic charm bracelets while the men were so fat they kept brushing the sides of the screening machine. This meant that everyone had to be screened two or three times.
Finally, one of the TSA guards shouted for attention. I have seen him before: a tall blonde who looks like a Nazi, I call him “Adolph.” Adolph loves the bit of power he wields and loves to flaunt it – generally by terrorizing old people in wheel chairs and mothers with infants.
Today Adolph felt compelled to display his authority by standing in the middle of the security area and shouting out commands to “expedite the screening process” which the crowd dutifully ignored. Listening, I sighed and rolled my eyes, at the exact moment that we coincidentally made eye contact. He smiled.
When I finally made it to the head of the line Adolph took a personal interest in me. “Take off your shoes,” he said, but my shoes were already off. He then explained to me that thanks to the “Shoe Bomber” all shoes must come off. I involuntarily thought of the underwear bomber and began to get nervous.
“Put your belt, wallet and cell phone in the bin,” he said, although they already were. “Remove your watch and ring,” he ordered. I began to wonder if Adolph wanted my gold fillings to come out too.
As I was about to go through the X-ray machine, his eyes narrowed. “You’ve got a bulge in your jeans,” he said. For a moment I was not quite sure how to respond,(“Thank you?” “Aw shucks?”) but then I remembered I had a cold and removed the Kleenex in my pocket and went through the machine.
This is when I was told I had been “selected” for additional screening. First, Adolph made me turn on my computer, then he looked at my cell phone as though it was a detonator, even removing the battery. He went through my shaving kit, and sniffed my shampoo and my toothpaste. He unrolled each piece of clothing and shook it out, as though looking for bombs.
Next he announced that he was going to pat me down but that he would use the “back of his hands” to do so. This was not a comfort to me. He had me stand with my legs spread and my arms out and began to pat me down as people looked at me either curiously, or suspiciously, or sympathetically. He did not actually strip search me but I felt he spent a little longer assessing my inseam than was seemly. As the clock kept ticking, I began to think that a strip search would have been faster and no more invasive.
Fifteen minutes later he was done with his search, so I got dressed, repacked and checked my watch. If I ran I could still make my flight.
As I prepared to make a mad dash to the gate I saw a buddy from the gym about to go through the X-ray machine.. He had seen what I had just gone through and shook his head sympathetically. I shrugged my shoulders and my buddy rolled his eyes. Then I saw Adolph look at my buddy and smile.