I must have missed the memo, the one about how the recession ended last year. Thinking the economy was still bad, our company has resisted hiring any new employees, relying instead on temps brought in for specific assignments. These are generally recent college grads, very pleasant and totally clueless.
“Clueless” personifies Jeremy, whose goal is to become a permanent employee. Jeremy, 28, is no kid, but this is his first “real” job after college. Perhaps the fact that it took him 28 years to finish college was an omen.
The trouble is that despite his goals, Jeremy’s work ethic is non-existent. As long as there have been employees there have been slackers, but in the past they knew they were slacking and at least were discreet about it. Jeremy truly doesn’t understand that being on Facebook or tweeting non-stop while he is at work is, as he would put it, “not cool.” He doesn’t understand that sending text messages and taking cell phone calls at a staff meeting is inappropriate, as is listening to his I-pod while letting the phone ring unanswered. I don’t know if I’m his boss or his homeroom teacher.
Perhaps Jeremy’s worst trait is that being punctual or meeting a deadline is beyond his scope. I truly wonder how he got through college: In the modern era are research papers due “whenever”? Is showing up late for class “no biggie”?
Recently he missed three out of four deadlines because he “didn’t have time” to complete them. He managed to complete one project, but it was heavily plagiarized. I know this because he plagiarized it from an article that I wrote for a trade journal several years ago. With my byline. When I confronted him, he thought this was not a big deal. “Dude,” he said, “I pulled it off the Internet,” as though that explained everything.
“Don’t call me ‘Dude,’” I said.
Regarding the unfinished assignments, he told me he had a lot going on in his life right now: His wife is pregnant, they’re buying a house, he’s worried about money. I felt compelled to mention that he is a temp, so feeding his baby, buying a house and paying his bills will be significantly more difficult if he loses his job.
Jeremy looked stricken, as though no one had ever actually sat him down and told him his performance was substandard. At first I felt bad for the kid, but then he crossed his arms and stuck out his lower lip, a tactic I suspected had worked on his parents for 28 years. “Dude, you don’t understand me,” he said.
“Don’t call me ‘Dude,’” I said. He didn’t; in fact he refused to say another word.
My suspicions were confirmed later that night when I got a phone call at home from Jeremy’s father. After minimal pleasantries, he asked, “Don’t you think you’re being awfully hard on the kid?”
I was temporarily speechless, but Dad continued. He said Jeremy needed more attention. He said Jeremy was overworked. He speculated that there was a personality conflict and asked if Jeremy could report to someone else. “Dude,” said Dad, “Jeremy’s a good kid.”
As Dad talked, I realized in a moment of absolute clarity, that Dad had had this discussion with countless schoolteachers, principals and coaches over the last 28 years. My job description does not include conferences with concerned parents. Dad concluded by saying that he would help his son complete his assignments in the future and that he hoped Jeremy would become a permanent employee.
With restraint, I said, “thank you for calling” while I thought, “Over my dead body. Dude.”