It’s important that you know that if I start a book I must finish it. Those are the rules; it is not in my DNA to allow me to not finish a book. You need to know this because momentarily you’re going to ask yourself, “Why didn’t he just stop reading?”
The book in question is Marley & Me and if you’re planning on reading it, stop reading this right now because I’m going to ruin it for you. As you may know, this book has been on the best seller list forever and is now a movie starring Jennifer Anniston. It is about the life and times of a great, drooling lumbering yellow Lab named Marley.
My friend Barb gave me the book for my birthday, knowing that until recently I had a great, drooling, lumbering yellow Lab of my own. Ellie, like Marley, was large, annoying, slothful and a huge part of my life for 14 years. She will always be remembered for her ability to eat anything (batteries, picture frames, tinsel,) without any obvious ill-effects, as well as for her habit of stealing whatever food we were foolish enough to leave unattended. Having to have her put down after a massive stroke was one of the major traumatic events of my life.
I began reading the book on a flight to New York, vicariously reliving my life with Ellie. On the return flight, things took an ominous turn as Marley began to age and slow down. Foolishly, I assumed that the book would end with an aged Marley dreaming happily by the fire: Not so. I had a tense little knot in my stomach as I read of Marley’s decline; by the time Marley could no longer walk the knot was a huge lump in my throat; when I read, in excruciating detail, of Marley’s last breaths when the vet euthanized him I lost it.
Now, I wish I could say that by “losing it” I mean I got teary-eyed, or that I sniffled manfully, but no: I lost it. Sobbing, my nose running like a hose, I did everything but beat my breast and wail, while the people sitting around me looked on with increasing consternation. Finally the Flight Attendant asked if everything was OK. Beyond words, I shook my head and pointed to the book cover. “That’s a horrible book,” she said, “just stop reading it. I did.” The man next to me was looking green himself. “I had a black Lab,” he said; “I couldn’t finish it either.”
I managed to get through the rest the book with only moderate sniveling, and called Barb as soon as we landed. She was immediately remorseful. “I’m so sorry,” she said; “I didn’t finish it, so I didn’t know it was that bad.” (Did anyone but me ever finish this book?) She decided to make it up to me by distracting me. “Want to see a movie?” she asked. “Do you like Jennifer Anniston?”
You can email Guy at: guyaandrews@aol.com